REVIEW: Amityville II: The Possession (1982)
Sometimes, you rent a movie just based on the title alone, and this was how I came to spend money on Amityville II: The Possession. I saw it sticking out an extra couple inches on the shelf, and thought to myself, 'Hey, I'm in no mood for quality! I should get crap!'
And so I did.
Not having seen the original (or remake) Amityville Horror flicks, I figured that since this was a prequel, it wouldn't really matter. And...it doesn't. It still sucked. It sucked so much that about thirty minutes in, the Lady Retropolitan decided to go look at linen sales online. I cut my toenails, and decided that it would be better if I clipped them more often, and then I tried to figure out a way in which to handle the nail clipper where the clippings wouldn't shoot out in random directions at light speed. I had a martini, which I made with cran-raspberry juice that was 100% juice and no sweeteners; I prefer the sweetened kind. The Lady and I talked about how neither of us liked Juicy Juice when we were growing up.
Oh, yeah, the movie. It sucked. Being the Joe Bob Briggs fan that I am, I staunchly stand by his drive-in movie edict: I can find something good about pretty much any movie, provided that it isn't boring. Amityville II: The Possession is boring, and when you hear from me that a movie isn't worth watching, you know you've pretty much hit the bottom of the video barrel. Sometimes it's actually underneath the barrel.
This movie is apparently a prequel to the regular Amityville series, which were about a haunted house. The tagline for the series is that it was based on a true story, which in a small way, it was. The DeFeo family moved into the nice Long Island home, and the son went a little nutso and murdered his parents and siblings -- that part is true. The rest of the tale, with the Lutz family and the hauntings, has been so thoroughly debunked (including on this site, I think) that it's not really worth mentioning again, other than to say that the whole ghost aspect of it is bullshit. According to this movie, the DeFeo lad (Montelli or something in this movie) was actually possessed when he murdered everyone by something evil that lived in the weird crawlspace in the basement. To his defense, if I were stuck in this movie, I probably would've killed everyone too.
The film begins with the Montelli family moving into the new home, which mysteriously has all the windows nailed shut. It also has poor insulation, and there's a termite problem, but for some reason the movie doesn't touch on those parts. The family is dysfunctional; the father is an abusive bastard played by Burt Young with all the zeal of an actor that knows he's slumming in shitty horror films. Mrs. Montelli is an enabling paranoid Catholic, the eldest son is a teen angsty jerk, and the two youngest kids are so non-existent as characters that the producers could've saved a buck and hired two cardboard stand-ups that had "Young Boy" and "Young Girl" written on them in a Sharpie scrawl. The older daughter actually acts a little, but I was more concerned by the fact that I recognized her as being Monique in "Better Off Dead," which you are better off renting. After some stuff happens, the mother calls in the local priest, Father Adamsky, to help move the plot along.
Just trying to remember what happened in the movie hurts, so I'll make this quick: the older son gets possessed, and has sex with his sister in what's probably the only genuinely creepy part of the movie. I noticed early on that their relationship was somewhat frisky, but by the time that she took off her clothes for her brother I knew something was amiss -- and that was before she even knew he was possessed, which is, like, extra-creepy times a thousand. (For good creepiness measure, she later tells him, "Are you feeling guilty? I'm not." And she doesn't even have the devil problem! Yech!) Some more stuff happens, and the boy's Walkman tells him to kill everyone, which I was kind of rooting for because we've hit the forty-five minute mark and no one has died yet. Arrests are made, the priest comes in, and he's convinced that the Devil is responsible. He tries to get an exorcism underway, but the Scary German Guy from Monster Squad says that he doesn't have church approval.
There's more horrible plot that is unfortunately thrust upon the viewer, and the movie completely devolves into Exorcist mode, including the "Take me! Let his soul go! Take me instead!" bit, but without that little thing that we amateur critics call effectiveness. There's some shitty special effects, a 90% unresolved plot, and then it's thankfully over.
Seriously, now, I don't say this much, but rent something else. The best things that I can say about this movie is that you see Monique from Better Off Dead's nipple (but even that is ruined by the incest subplot), and that watching this movie might encourage you to maybe clean your apartment or something. I know I was pretty much begging to check my bank statements against my ATM receipts by the twenty minute point. I asked the Lady Retropolitan if I could iron her clothes.
Please, do not rent this movie. If you must rent a movie, I will give you an entire list of movies that are better. Just call me. I'm here to help.
And so I did.
Not having seen the original (or remake) Amityville Horror flicks, I figured that since this was a prequel, it wouldn't really matter. And...it doesn't. It still sucked. It sucked so much that about thirty minutes in, the Lady Retropolitan decided to go look at linen sales online. I cut my toenails, and decided that it would be better if I clipped them more often, and then I tried to figure out a way in which to handle the nail clipper where the clippings wouldn't shoot out in random directions at light speed. I had a martini, which I made with cran-raspberry juice that was 100% juice and no sweeteners; I prefer the sweetened kind. The Lady and I talked about how neither of us liked Juicy Juice when we were growing up.
Oh, yeah, the movie. It sucked. Being the Joe Bob Briggs fan that I am, I staunchly stand by his drive-in movie edict: I can find something good about pretty much any movie, provided that it isn't boring. Amityville II: The Possession is boring, and when you hear from me that a movie isn't worth watching, you know you've pretty much hit the bottom of the video barrel. Sometimes it's actually underneath the barrel.
This movie is apparently a prequel to the regular Amityville series, which were about a haunted house. The tagline for the series is that it was based on a true story, which in a small way, it was. The DeFeo family moved into the nice Long Island home, and the son went a little nutso and murdered his parents and siblings -- that part is true. The rest of the tale, with the Lutz family and the hauntings, has been so thoroughly debunked (including on this site, I think) that it's not really worth mentioning again, other than to say that the whole ghost aspect of it is bullshit. According to this movie, the DeFeo lad (Montelli or something in this movie) was actually possessed when he murdered everyone by something evil that lived in the weird crawlspace in the basement. To his defense, if I were stuck in this movie, I probably would've killed everyone too.
The film begins with the Montelli family moving into the new home, which mysteriously has all the windows nailed shut. It also has poor insulation, and there's a termite problem, but for some reason the movie doesn't touch on those parts. The family is dysfunctional; the father is an abusive bastard played by Burt Young with all the zeal of an actor that knows he's slumming in shitty horror films. Mrs. Montelli is an enabling paranoid Catholic, the eldest son is a teen angsty jerk, and the two youngest kids are so non-existent as characters that the producers could've saved a buck and hired two cardboard stand-ups that had "Young Boy" and "Young Girl" written on them in a Sharpie scrawl. The older daughter actually acts a little, but I was more concerned by the fact that I recognized her as being Monique in "Better Off Dead," which you are better off renting. After some stuff happens, the mother calls in the local priest, Father Adamsky, to help move the plot along.
Just trying to remember what happened in the movie hurts, so I'll make this quick: the older son gets possessed, and has sex with his sister in what's probably the only genuinely creepy part of the movie. I noticed early on that their relationship was somewhat frisky, but by the time that she took off her clothes for her brother I knew something was amiss -- and that was before she even knew he was possessed, which is, like, extra-creepy times a thousand. (For good creepiness measure, she later tells him, "Are you feeling guilty? I'm not." And she doesn't even have the devil problem! Yech!) Some more stuff happens, and the boy's Walkman tells him to kill everyone, which I was kind of rooting for because we've hit the forty-five minute mark and no one has died yet. Arrests are made, the priest comes in, and he's convinced that the Devil is responsible. He tries to get an exorcism underway, but the Scary German Guy from Monster Squad says that he doesn't have church approval.
There's more horrible plot that is unfortunately thrust upon the viewer, and the movie completely devolves into Exorcist mode, including the "Take me! Let his soul go! Take me instead!" bit, but without that little thing that we amateur critics call effectiveness. There's some shitty special effects, a 90% unresolved plot, and then it's thankfully over.
Seriously, now, I don't say this much, but rent something else. The best things that I can say about this movie is that you see Monique from Better Off Dead's nipple (but even that is ruined by the incest subplot), and that watching this movie might encourage you to maybe clean your apartment or something. I know I was pretty much begging to check my bank statements against my ATM receipts by the twenty minute point. I asked the Lady Retropolitan if I could iron her clothes.
Please, do not rent this movie. If you must rent a movie, I will give you an entire list of movies that are better. Just call me. I'm here to help.
sent by The Retropolitan at 10:41 AM
...0 RESPONDO-GRAMS:
Post a Comment
<< Home