REVIEW: Zombie Death House
Subscribing to Netflix changed my life. It's one of the best services that I've ever paid money for, and it lets me watch tons and tons of movies, which is great. The downside is that Netflix makes me watch lots of crap.
See, the model that they have is that for a flat fee you can rent movies by mail, the quantity limited essentially by the speed of the Postal Service. I rent a lot of movies, since I have no problem with sitting down and watching two movies a night after work, even if I'm actively doing something else. This means that the turnaround rate is really quick for me, and that renting movies is extremely cheap when looked at on an individual basis -- usually less than a dollar a movie, unless I'm too busy to watch for a couple days. It's these immense savings that justifies my renting films that I would never, ever pay more than 80 cents to watch. So I end up not watching the cinematic greats, but instead renting things like "Zombie Death House."
"Zombie Death House" has an average Netflix rating of 1.9 stars, which surprised the hell out of me because having an average of anything normally requires that more than one person has done it. In this case, I'm surprised that 229 people rated "Zombie Death House," because that probably means that at least ten people have actually watched it. After I saw that I wondered what kind of person rents a movie called "Zombie Death House," but then I realized it was probably the kind of person that would only rent it if it cost 80 cents or less. I don't even want to know what kind of person had the balls to rip it out of a video vault and press it to DVD. At least we do know what kind of person it took to make such a movie.
That man is John Saxon, director and co-star of the film. You may know him from other 80-cent movies, like that one about a girl whose mother is a werewolf, which is only good in that it can be used to help point out to people who John Saxon is. He's the real star-power of the film, and that says something considering he's really only a secondary character, the 'mad doctor' guy that keeps telling people what to do over the phone. I have to give credit, though, because his directorial debut is actually better than "House of the Dead." On the other hand, that's like saying having your eyes put out is better than having all of your limbs cut off.
Hyperbole aside, I've seen worse films than "Zombie Death House." It starts off promisingly enough with a very-1984-TV-style montage of Blonde Hero getting out of prison and starting his new "I don't want any trouble" life working as "just a driver" for a "crime boss." At least I think that's what's happening, since the first twenty minutes of the movie play out in a temporal-spatial warp that mimics the recap parts of the opening credits of a second-season "Dynasty" episode. At some point, Blonde Hero gets a little frisky with the Crime Boss' girl, gets set up for her murder, and gets tossed into prison again. But, continuing with his bad luck, Blonde Hero finds out that the Crime Boss' brother is the inmate who really controls the goings-on in the 'Death House' -- DRAT! And that's not all! Turns out that there's a doctor in the prison that's testing strange serums on the death-row inmates! We're pretty much up to the forty-five minute mark now, making this the most unbearably slow-to-start zombie film of all time. Finally, finally we get Saxon to order the prison doc to try a new serum, and after another twenty minutes we get a full-fledged zombie with skin rot and bad teeth. Of course, these zombies can talk and have super-strength, so it's a little fakey. But it's about an hour into "Zombie Death House," so we'll take what we can get.
Things go to downhill from there, although it's not quite what you'd expect. This movie combines so many different low-budget genres that it's hard to tell what Saxon's actual pitch was like. It's like a crime drama/starting over/prison flick/hostage situation/medical emergency/suspense/horror film, which may actually be a first in the 80-cent category. Unfortunately, it's not really good at being any of those things, but maybe I'm biased because it's called "Zombie Death House" and I was expecting more zombies and death. Or even a house. I think the movie could have been improved significantly, though, if Saxon had cast three blonde actresses that didn't look and dress exactly the same, causing me to assume that the Crime Boss' girl (who was murdered, mind you) had come back from the dead (yay, zombies!) and got a job at a prison med center -- an idea that wasn't helped by the endless montage editing.
Another improvement would have been zombies that consistently acted like zombies. For instance, the first zombie (the Jamaican) escapes from the electric chair, kills a bunch of guards. That sounds about right! Then, the rest of the inmates begin a stand-off with the cops, trying to bargain their way into some medical help -- and our zombie friend takes a hostage, drives a jeep up to the gate, lets the hostage make a short plea for his life, and then tears his head off. That doesn't sound right at all! Zombies aren't supposed to showboat their kills! That's just bragging. Actually, these aren't the flesh-eating type until close to the end of the movie when they start eating flesh for exactly one shot of the film. Oh, well...
I don't know if Saxon ever went on to direct any other films, but I'd beware if I were a casual viewer. Because judging by this example, a movie called "Porn Boobies Waterpark" would only have one boob appear towards the end, and it would be mainly about the stock market or something.
ARE YOU ASTONISHED?
See, the model that they have is that for a flat fee you can rent movies by mail, the quantity limited essentially by the speed of the Postal Service. I rent a lot of movies, since I have no problem with sitting down and watching two movies a night after work, even if I'm actively doing something else. This means that the turnaround rate is really quick for me, and that renting movies is extremely cheap when looked at on an individual basis -- usually less than a dollar a movie, unless I'm too busy to watch for a couple days. It's these immense savings that justifies my renting films that I would never, ever pay more than 80 cents to watch. So I end up not watching the cinematic greats, but instead renting things like "Zombie Death House."
"Zombie Death House" has an average Netflix rating of 1.9 stars, which surprised the hell out of me because having an average of anything normally requires that more than one person has done it. In this case, I'm surprised that 229 people rated "Zombie Death House," because that probably means that at least ten people have actually watched it. After I saw that I wondered what kind of person rents a movie called "Zombie Death House," but then I realized it was probably the kind of person that would only rent it if it cost 80 cents or less. I don't even want to know what kind of person had the balls to rip it out of a video vault and press it to DVD. At least we do know what kind of person it took to make such a movie.
That man is John Saxon, director and co-star of the film. You may know him from other 80-cent movies, like that one about a girl whose mother is a werewolf, which is only good in that it can be used to help point out to people who John Saxon is. He's the real star-power of the film, and that says something considering he's really only a secondary character, the 'mad doctor' guy that keeps telling people what to do over the phone. I have to give credit, though, because his directorial debut is actually better than "House of the Dead." On the other hand, that's like saying having your eyes put out is better than having all of your limbs cut off.
Hyperbole aside, I've seen worse films than "Zombie Death House." It starts off promisingly enough with a very-1984-TV-style montage of Blonde Hero getting out of prison and starting his new "I don't want any trouble" life working as "just a driver" for a "crime boss." At least I think that's what's happening, since the first twenty minutes of the movie play out in a temporal-spatial warp that mimics the recap parts of the opening credits of a second-season "Dynasty" episode. At some point, Blonde Hero gets a little frisky with the Crime Boss' girl, gets set up for her murder, and gets tossed into prison again. But, continuing with his bad luck, Blonde Hero finds out that the Crime Boss' brother is the inmate who really controls the goings-on in the 'Death House' -- DRAT! And that's not all! Turns out that there's a doctor in the prison that's testing strange serums on the death-row inmates! We're pretty much up to the forty-five minute mark now, making this the most unbearably slow-to-start zombie film of all time. Finally, finally we get Saxon to order the prison doc to try a new serum, and after another twenty minutes we get a full-fledged zombie with skin rot and bad teeth. Of course, these zombies can talk and have super-strength, so it's a little fakey. But it's about an hour into "Zombie Death House," so we'll take what we can get.
Things go to downhill from there, although it's not quite what you'd expect. This movie combines so many different low-budget genres that it's hard to tell what Saxon's actual pitch was like. It's like a crime drama/starting over/prison flick/hostage situation/medical emergency/suspense/horror film, which may actually be a first in the 80-cent category. Unfortunately, it's not really good at being any of those things, but maybe I'm biased because it's called "Zombie Death House" and I was expecting more zombies and death. Or even a house. I think the movie could have been improved significantly, though, if Saxon had cast three blonde actresses that didn't look and dress exactly the same, causing me to assume that the Crime Boss' girl (who was murdered, mind you) had come back from the dead (yay, zombies!) and got a job at a prison med center -- an idea that wasn't helped by the endless montage editing.
Another improvement would have been zombies that consistently acted like zombies. For instance, the first zombie (the Jamaican) escapes from the electric chair, kills a bunch of guards. That sounds about right! Then, the rest of the inmates begin a stand-off with the cops, trying to bargain their way into some medical help -- and our zombie friend takes a hostage, drives a jeep up to the gate, lets the hostage make a short plea for his life, and then tears his head off. That doesn't sound right at all! Zombies aren't supposed to showboat their kills! That's just bragging. Actually, these aren't the flesh-eating type until close to the end of the movie when they start eating flesh for exactly one shot of the film. Oh, well...
I don't know if Saxon ever went on to direct any other films, but I'd beware if I were a casual viewer. Because judging by this example, a movie called "Porn Boobies Waterpark" would only have one boob appear towards the end, and it would be mainly about the stock market or something.
ARE YOU ASTONISHED?
- How do you know if you're the kind of person that would rent "Zombie Death House"? Here's a quick self-test: 1. Have you ever seriously debated the cultural implications of fast running-zombies versus shambling zombies? 2. Have you ever watched "House of the Dead" -- by yourself? Or 3. Did you ask for a zombie mug for Christmas? If you answered 'yes' to more than zero of those questions, you are the kind of person that would rent "Zombie Death House."
- More evidence that zombies shouldn't talk. Although she has become a member of the super-strong walking dead, the chef has nothing better to say about it than "Doooon't...toooooouch...my...Twinkies...!" I'm not kidding.
- There was much joy among my friends and I about how the Crime Boss "loved three things: soft lips...loyalty...and vengeance!" Boy, did he love those soft lips.
sent by The Retropolitan at 11:28 PM
...2 RESPONDO-GRAMS:
"Porn Boobie Waterpark" heheheee. Still, unless you've seen Astro-Zombies you have a ways left to go down the bad zombie film food chain.
I have debated fast versus slow zombies, I've not yet seen House of the Dead but will at some point in spite of all warnings, I bought a $60 zombie candy bowl last Halloween that I have on display on my bar at all times and I really, REALLY want to get a zombie peanut butter t-shirt: http://www.goats.com/store/item/tshirt_zombiepeanut-1.html (be sure to look at the back). I'm THIS close to just ordering it and budget be damned.
Screw it. I'm ordering it. I want it by Halloween and I've held off for two years now.
That's the coolest thing ever. I want one.
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