REVIEW: Zombie Death House

Subscribing to Netflix changed my life. It's one of the best services that I've ever paid money for, and it lets me watch tons and tons of movies, which is great. The downside is that Netflix makes me watch lots of crap.

See, the model that they have is that for a flat fee you can rent movies by mail, the quantity limited essentially by the speed of the Postal Service. I rent a lot of movies, since I have no problem with sitting down and watching two movies a night after work, even if I'm actively doing something else. This means that the turnaround rate is really quick for me, and that renting movies is extremely cheap when looked at on an individual basis -- usually less than a dollar a movie, unless I'm too busy to watch for a couple days. It's these immense savings that justifies my renting films that I would never, ever pay more than 80 cents to watch. So I end up not watching the cinematic greats, but instead renting things like "Zombie Death House."

"Zombie Death House" has an average Netflix rating of 1.9 stars, which surprised the hell out of me because having an average of anything normally requires that more than one person has done it. In this case, I'm surprised that 229 people rated "Zombie Death House," because that probably means that at least ten people have actually watched it. After I saw that I wondered what kind of person rents a movie called "Zombie Death House," but then I realized it was probably the kind of person that would only rent it if it cost 80 cents or less. I don't even want to know what kind of person had the balls to rip it out of a video vault and press it to DVD. At least we do know what kind of person it took to make such a movie.

That man is John Saxon, director and co-star of the film. You may know him from other 80-cent movies, like that one about a girl whose mother is a werewolf, which is only good in that it can be used to help point out to people who John Saxon is. He's the real star-power of the film, and that says something considering he's really only a secondary character, the 'mad doctor' guy that keeps telling people what to do over the phone. I have to give credit, though, because his directorial debut is actually better than "House of the Dead." On the other hand, that's like saying having your eyes put out is better than having all of your limbs cut off.

Hyperbole aside, I've seen worse films than "Zombie Death House." It starts off promisingly enough with a very-1984-TV-style montage of Blonde Hero getting out of prison and starting his new "I don't want any trouble" life working as "just a driver" for a "crime boss." At least I think that's what's happening, since the first twenty minutes of the movie play out in a temporal-spatial warp that mimics the recap parts of the opening credits of a second-season "Dynasty" episode. At some point, Blonde Hero gets a little frisky with the Crime Boss' girl, gets set up for her murder, and gets tossed into prison again. But, continuing with his bad luck, Blonde Hero finds out that the Crime Boss' brother is the inmate who really controls the goings-on in the 'Death House' -- DRAT! And that's not all! Turns out that there's a doctor in the prison that's testing strange serums on the death-row inmates! We're pretty much up to the forty-five minute mark now, making this the most unbearably slow-to-start zombie film of all time. Finally, finally we get Saxon to order the prison doc to try a new serum, and after another twenty minutes we get a full-fledged zombie with skin rot and bad teeth. Of course, these zombies can talk and have super-strength, so it's a little fakey. But it's about an hour into "Zombie Death House," so we'll take what we can get.

Things go to downhill from there, although it's not quite what you'd expect. This movie combines so many different low-budget genres that it's hard to tell what Saxon's actual pitch was like. It's like a crime drama/starting over/prison flick/hostage situation/medical emergency/suspense/horror film, which may actually be a first in the 80-cent category. Unfortunately, it's not really good at being any of those things, but maybe I'm biased because it's called "Zombie Death House" and I was expecting more zombies and death. Or even a house. I think the movie could have been improved significantly, though, if Saxon had cast three blonde actresses that didn't look and dress exactly the same, causing me to assume that the Crime Boss' girl (who was murdered, mind you) had come back from the dead (yay, zombies!) and got a job at a prison med center -- an idea that wasn't helped by the endless montage editing.

Another improvement would have been zombies that consistently acted like zombies. For instance, the first zombie (the Jamaican) escapes from the electric chair, kills a bunch of guards. That sounds about right! Then, the rest of the inmates begin a stand-off with the cops, trying to bargain their way into some medical help -- and our zombie friend takes a hostage, drives a jeep up to the gate, lets the hostage make a short plea for his life, and then tears his head off. That doesn't sound right at all! Zombies aren't supposed to showboat their kills! That's just bragging. Actually, these aren't the flesh-eating type until close to the end of the movie when they start eating flesh for exactly one shot of the film. Oh, well...

I don't know if Saxon ever went on to direct any other films, but I'd beware if I were a casual viewer. Because judging by this example, a movie called "Porn Boobies Waterpark" would only have one boob appear towards the end, and it would be mainly about the stock market or something.

ARE YOU ASTONISHED?

• How do you know if you're the kind of person that would rent "Zombie Death House"? Here's a quick self-test: 1. Have you ever seriously debated the cultural implications of fast running-zombies versus shambling zombies? 2. Have you ever watched "House of the Dead" -- by yourself? Or 3. Did you ask for a zombie mug for Christmas? If you answered 'yes' to more than zero of those questions, you are the kind of person that would rent "Zombie Death House."
• More evidence that zombies shouldn't talk. Although she has become a member of the super-strong walking dead, the chef has nothing better to say about it than "Doooon't...toooooouch...my...Twinkies...!" I'm not kidding.
  
• There was much joy among my friends and I about how the Crime Boss "loved three things: soft lips...loyalty...and vengeance!" Boy, did he love those soft lips.
  

REVIEW: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the Eighth Dimension

One of the greater relics of my childhood, "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the Eighth Dimension" came out on DVD a while back, and I finally, finally got around to renting the thing, and it was incredibly worthwhile. It's one of the best cult movies out there, and probably one of the few that lives up to the hype. It's great fun, and it's not afraid of what it is.

I remember reading a capsule review of the film from some old movie-review book I had back in high school, and it was described as (I'm paraphrasing here) "the 26th part of a 27-part serial." I think that's a pretty fair description, since to actually describe the full thematic storyline of the movie would require scholars. I'm no scholar, but I'll give the basics a shot: Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller) is a hotshot neurosurgeon, rock star, race car driver, and inventor who goes on wild world-saving adventures with his band, the Hong Kong Kavaliers, whose members are also scientists, weapons experts, and cowboys. Buckaroo develops this thing called the Oscillation Overthruster, which allows him to drive his rocket car through a mountain's negative atomic space and into the eighth dimension, which is either a home to or a prison for the Evil Lectroids. Dr. Lizardo (John Lithgow) is a man who was also working on getting into the eighth dimension, but whose body was taken over by the Evil Lectroid John Whorfin. All Lectroids have wonderful Earth-names like "John Ya-Ya," John Bigboote," "John Smallberries," -- all of them 'John's. Something happens, the Lectroids try to get the Overthruster, and destroy the planet. Or something like that.

You see? There's a lot of explaining to do, although it doesn't really matter. There's a plot (obviously meant to be a continuing thing) about the dreaded Hanoi Xan, Supreme Commander of Death and Leader of the World Crime League, who mercilessly killed Buckaroo's parents (mother played by Jamie Leigh Curtis), as well as his wife Peggy Priddy. Also, Peggy's long-lost identical twin sister Penny shows up, played by Ellen Barkin, and Buckaroo falls in love again. You'd think that any of these things would be adequately explained in the movie, but they're actually not. The ones closest to the immediate plot (stopping John Whorfin) are kind of explored, but the rest serve as an awesomely in-depth backstory that never actually appears anywhere. It's a shame, really, since all the extra touches give the movie a much greater richness than most sci-fi movies, and if the last bit during the credits doesn't make you cry out for a sequel, I don't want to be your friend.

And check out the cast! Has any other obscure sci-fi cult classic popped out so many future stars (or least mid-to-high-B-listers)? Peter Weller, John Lithgow, Ellin Barkin, Jeff Goldblum, Clancy Brown, Carl Lumbly, Christopher Lloyd, Dan Hedaya, Vincent Schiavelli, and even the venerated Yakov Smirnoff! Looking back, I think I need to rethink 'stars,' but there's no finer B-talent than these. It also includes some lesser-known B actors, and I give Pepe Serna and Lewis Smith kudos for their roles as Kavaliers Reno Nevada and Perfect Tommy, respectively. The acting suits the movie perfectly, and the entire cast delivers everything with only the slightest wink. Not unlike "Sky Captain," this movie celebrates the sheer entertainment, fun, and invention of the source materials, and offers a hugely entertaining suggestion as to what pulp novels and serials would be like if they were realized with greater means than they originally were.

The reference to "Sky Captain" was more than a nod to one of my favorites; I think it's a valid comparison of a style, although "Buckaroo" predates "Sky Captain" by 20 years. With this being an age of (at least cinematic) irony, I think that movies like this are not only entertaining, but also important. I've had to deal with a good ten years of putting up with self-referential movies, which attempt to be both the material and an observer that holds himself above it -- and that's unfortunate. "Scream" was a very unique and funny film, and it sparked an entire generation of movies that existed primarily to point out how stupid the audience was for liking them. The Ironic Generation didn't ruin cinema, but it certainly helped institute irritating rules for youth-oriented cinema, mainly which stated that if the movie didn't assert a mocking tone over the source, then it was just as dumb as what it was based on. It's a pretty lousy argument, but my generation flocked to these films in droves. What a lot of people hate to acknowledge is that there's not necessarily anything wrong with the source material. Not every 1980's teen-romance flick was a great movie, but there's very few of the big ones that I would really be ashamed to admit liking; but since "Not Another Teen Movie" and its ilk, all of the originals have been relegated to the 'guilty pleasure' section, unwarranted.

I wish that there were more movies like "Buckaroo Banzai" and "Sky Captain," the kind of films that took the material, the genre, the ideas, and elevated them with the very simple concept of 'there's nothing wrong with this.' The movies play the material relatively straight, and show the audience just how much fun these types of things can be -- shame-free. Neither of these movies has anything but respect for the material, and they're infinitely more entertaining for it.

ARE YOU ASTONISHED?

• I love the music in this film. As many people know, I'm a huuuuuuge fan of 1980s synth movie scores, especially Tangerine Dream ones, and Michael Boddicker is another great in my book. The music sounds really dated, but it somehow really fits the entire movie, ranging from synth-pop-rock to synth-pop-epic. The marching scene during the credits brings tears of geeky joy to my eyes, and leaves me humming the Buckaroo theme for days.
  
• Out of all the DVDs I have -- and I have a lot -- this is one of the best. Despite it being all on one disc, it's got a lot of extras, including deleted scenes, Pinky Carruther's Unknown Facts trivia subtitles, and a making-of featurette with the director, W.D. Richter. The best part of the disc is that the entire thing, from featurette to commentary, subtitles to radio clip, is played as if Buckaroo Banzai is a real person, and the movie is a dramatization of one of his adventures. Pinky's subtitle track furthers the Buckaroo mythology in a way that left me really, really, really craving a sequel. Plus, it's all done with a deft and clever sense of humor. This is a disc to show your friends.
• Pinky Carruthers is played in the movie by musician Billy Vera, whose band Billy Vera and the Beaters did that song "At This Moment" that became a hit when it underscored Courney Cox leaving Michael J. Fox on "Family Ties." According to the character's subtitle track, fans sometimes bring pink boxes of goodies to their shows to celebrate his role.
• Why is that watermelon there?